“When you first try something and you suck . . . it’s really cringey and embarrassing for the rest of us. Please stop.”
-My Subconscious
I created this blog site on a whim.
That’s not to say that I haven’t been thinking about this a long time, because I have. Every time one of my friends decided to start blogging, the urge to do the same gnawed at me. Yet, something held me back. I think it was my image of myself – I never thought I was important enough, or valid enough to own a blog, or be a writer. Also, I was scared of what other people would think of me once they had read my thoughts, and discovered all the places that my head travels. I had decided that they would make fun of me, and probably hate me. Images of angry mobs with pitchforks would flash through my mind, before I realized that biological warfare is a much more realistic and modern version of a violent attack on my person.
So, what’s changed?
I’ve finally realized that what other people think about me doesn’t matter as much as I have let it. I am just a young person, trying to take advantage of all the resources I am blessed with, in order to try and develop myself into who I am meant to be. I’m not hurting anybody by doing this, so what does it matter what my friends or family may, or may not, think? Yes, I love them and want them to be happy, but stopping my growth for fear of embarrassing them (or myself) would be letting other people get in the way of my path.
And stopping myself for fear of embarrassment is so illogical. It’s not like I haven’t embarrassed myself before. Once, I cried in the middle of my AP Physics class in high school, because someone used the word “mudblood”, and it made me sad. Then, in an attempt to distract people from my emotional outburst and reclaim my dignity, I tried to trip that someone on the way back to his seat. (Except it didn’t work, and it just looked like I didn’t know how to trip a person properly, which is actually even more embarrassing. But that’s not the point.) My point is, embarrassment and failure are inevitable, so I’m done hiding from my fear of them.
Why do I want to blog?
Firstly, in the more practical sense, it would hone my skills of writing. I would get in the practice of doing something consistently, creating the discipline necessary to excel in an artistic field. In the process, maybe I’ll get better at the art of stringing words together to convey meaning. Who knows.
But more importantly, I believe that sharing my experiences and thoughts can help connect the people around me. By giving a part of myself to others to view, I would be opening myself up to attacks and criticism – which is terrifying – but the upside of that is the creation of a community where humans can identify with other humans at a deeper level. In sharing my stories, I hope to awaken others to empathize, understand, and give back in kindness and rich experience; and maybe, just maybe, we can learn to see that same humanity – that same Oneness – that exists within all of us, a little more clearly.
Coloring The Void 