Handling People You Would Rather Slap (As an Adult)

“Oh my god! Do you, like, have a mustache?! And you’re a GIRL??! That’s like sooo gross!!! EWWWW!!!

-The Mean Girl From MiddleSchool

Ok, so recently, I had to deal with an unpleasant situation, and I have some thoughts. Let me paint you a picture.

I help with creating and executing lighting design for shows. I’ve done it enough to where I know what I’m doing. A family friend asked me if I could help them with their function, and I happily accepted.

Because this performance was a big deal for the family, they had asked a bunch of their friends for help (most of who I know, because we all run in the same circles) and so, on the stage rehearsal day, the auditorium was swarmed with people. While I was trying to do my job in the midst of all this chaos, this one particular uncle (“uncle” and “aunty” is what we call our parents’ friends, or people that are our parent’s age, out of respect) decided to talk to me.

He only interacted with me a few times, but the things he said and the way he talked to me make it sound like he knew what he was talking about and I didn’t. He spoke from the perspective of “I’m just trying to make sure that you’re doing your job properly”, and I quickly became very annoyed by that for many reasons. Firstly, he didn’t actually know what he was talking about. He had a small background knowledge about what I was doing, but he was by no means skilled or capable in it. He tried to give me (bad) advice, and engage others around me in a subtle way to gain the room in support. He even went so far as to try to reprimand me. It sounds underwhelming after the fact, but it was actually pretty nasty behavior. I was thoroughly pissed, but for the sake of running a smooth rehearsal, I brushed it off.

What made it tough in that situation, is that he was wasting my time. It was my responsibility to make sure that everything happened as it should, and I had to keep track of everything going on. If I had time, I could play the game of indulging this man and letting him think that he was the best person in the world, but I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with one man’s need to make everything about himself. It’s not like I haven’t encountered this type of personality before, but 1) I was surprised that this particular uncle, who I’ve known for a while, actually was capable of acting this way, and 2) This was actually the first time I’ve had to deal with this attitude without any sort of older adult protecting me at all. In the past, even when I’ve dealt with tricky adults before, it was with the understanding that my parents, or some other authority figure, could handle things if they went too far. But my parents weren’t there, and I was trusted to do this work on my own, so there was no authority figure who could step in if I needed support. I had to handle it, truly on my own.

But I got the short stick of this power dynamic.  If it were another adult my own age, I could have said something to make it clear that I didn’t have the time, and he would have gotten the message clearly and stopped. But because he is much older than me and sees me as a child, I couldn’t be short with him verbally. That would have come across as being disrespectful, and that would have been very bad. He might have made a scene if that had happened.

So what I ended up doing was kind-of-nodding to whatever he said with a short smile and strained expression on my face (I was unsuccessful in hiding it). I’m sure it must have come across as slightly patronizing and rude, but it was all I was able to manage at that time and it made him stop faster than any other course of action I could think of. And upon reflection, that was the best way to handle things. Even my mother said so.

But I didn’t make my decisions from a cool and collected place; I was rather agitated at the time. I was so taken by surprise, that I didn’t know how to act, and that upset me and confused me. Not to mention, I wasn’t completely saint-like and faultless – how he was acting was irritating me and making me angry. Even though I ended up handling the situation okay, on the inside I was a mess while it happened.

This event showed me that when something surprises me in an unpleasant way, I need to calmly assess the situation and act. Being paralyzed with shock and then doubt and then confusion, not to mention the emotions that something may stir in me, is not the way to go. Whenever I find myself in this situation again, I need to take a minute to chill, logically and objectively assess what is going on, and then react accordingly.

But that’s easier said than done.