“‘ But why does Sally Mae get to date Brett? She’s such a bitch! And I have a wayyyyy better butt than her. ”
– Sabrina
Hey guys,
I want to apologize for leaving everyone in the dust. I totally haven’t written in here for a while. I know that no one reads this blog, so what I do in here doesn’t matter to anyone, but it matters to me. I had a couple of posts in the works that I meant to edit and post before school started, but I never did. Now the first semester is almost over, and I haven’t written all semester. This saddens me because this is something I genuinely enjoy doing. However – and I never wanted to be one of those people who say this kind of shit but here we go I guess – “life just got in the way.” (Insert despondent sigh and dramatic shoulder shrug here.)
Anyway, I hope you can forgive me (again, I keep addressing the public as if there is an actual audience here. LOL.) Now that I’m back, I don’t anticipate taking another such long break, and hopefully I stick to that.
So now that that’s over, let’s talk about the actually interesting stuff. Let’s talk about jealousy.
I think jealousy is a seriously problematic emotion that we all really need to watch out for. In my book, it doesn’t get nearly as bad a rap as it should. Part of the reason for that is that jealousy is often painted in a kind of romantic light. When people feel jealous over their romantic partners, it’s seen as adorable and validating. When people get jealous in friendships, it is seen as just a testament of how much that person loves their friend. “Ahh, she’s jealous,” people say. “How adorable.”
Umm, rational counterargument here: jealousy is the worst, most toxic emotion known to mankind!
In case you don’t believe me, let’s examine what I mean. To unpack my claim, first we need to break down what jealousy is. Jealousy is the feeling of envy over what someone else has. If Sabrina is jealous of Sally Mae’s purse, then Sabrina wants what Sally Mae has – the purse. This feeling of wanting what someone else has, often also necessitates the taking away of that something from them. Think about it: why is Sabrina jealous of Sally Mae’s Gucci handbag? If everyone had a Gucci handbag, then Sabrina wouldn’t care as much about Sally Mae’s Gucci in particular. But she does. This phenomenon better translates if we’re talking about people rather than purses. Let’s say Sabrina is jealous of Sally Mae’s boyfriend, Brett. Sabrina wants Brett as her’s and she doesn’t want Sally Mae to have him. That’s what jealousy is.
These attachment patterns that lead to jealousy hits on an even more intrinsic issue – the sentiment of ownership. The whole reason that these two people are able to feel competition and jealousy is because fundamentally, they both believe that Brett is something to be owned, and they are fighting over who gets to own him. Think back – any time you have felt jealous over another person, that feeling was always rooted in a feeling of ownership. And to me, that is gross. Supremely disgusting.
By reducing people to objects to be owned, we take away their humanity. We strip them of their free choice, agency, and their own unique desires and perspectives. We may think that feeling jealous is a testament of our love for a person, but in reality, it’s proof that we don’t understand how the healthy, freeing kind of love works.
The reason I’m writing this is because recently, I’ve felt the tiny stirrings of jealousy. This surprised me because I thought I was way past that. Apparently not, I guess. Now, I’m having to work through those emotions and examine where my feelings of attachment come from (which is just as annoying as it sounds).
I don’t like having jealousy contaminate my mind with its barely contained, poisonous roots. I don’t even like feeling jealous over stupid, simple things like purses or internships, because even though it’s considered normal and “harmless”, I don’t think propagating the idea that I own anything is helpful. The way I see it, I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing – I don’t truly own anything. And perpetuating ownership patterns over anything only limits me and makes my heart bitter. By thinking of the people and things in our environment as capable of being owned, we start shifting into the mindset of needing to maximize our own comforts and desires by owning all that we want. We become these greedy, selfish monsters, incapable of putting others’ needs before ours, and we lose our own grip on our higher selves. We slide back into our baser natures, only thinking of how best to fulfill our own desires, without regard for the fact that other people and things are not ours for the taking. This psychology touches on the rationale behind why some people commit murder – they think that they own others and that their desires are the most important thing in their lives, and they let themselves get carried away with that.
This may seem like a slippery slope type argument. But to me, jealousy is a slippery slope. I can’t fathom why some types of jealousy are okay in our society and others are not. There seems to me to be a double standard, especially in relationships, where feeling jealous over someone flirting with your significant other is cute and acceptable, but feeling jealous to the point of being paranoid and violating your partner’s privacy is not okay, and extremely unacceptable. I don’t understand this sentiment, because the way I see it, it’s just the same emotion, but on a sliding scale of intensity. Why bother monitoring how far you let your jealous tendencies go, when you can eliminate them entirely and not have to worry about them? Additionally, jealousy doesn’t exactly feel good. I mean, for the Sabrinas out there who do feel that burning, coiling jealousy – it certainly isn’t a pleasant experience! So, why keep this draining and harmful emotion around at all? Why do we validate these feelings of jealousy within ourselves and our friends, instead of understanding them as part of the human condition, but refusing to accept them as “normal” and a part of our everyday lives?
This is why I believe that jealousy is the most toxic emotion out there. Jealousy is like the gateway drug of feelings; greed, monstrosity, and murderous thoughts all stem from it (and take over your life till you’re $25,000 in debt and you’re running from your dealer because your mom no longer agrees to cover for you).
In my opinion, jealousy isn’t okay at all. I wrote this because I hope that in reading this, you challenge yourself from here on out to examine every instance of jealousy in your own life. And I encourage you to challenge the notion that jealousy can ever be “acceptable” or “harmless”. Because the way I see things, it can’t be.
Coloring The Void 