“The moon, by her comparative proximity, and the constantly varying appearances produced by her several phases, has always occupied a considerable share of the attention of the inhabitants of the earth. ”
-Jules Verne
Looking at the moon makes me realize that nothing is permanent. The phases of the moon are a constant reminder of this. Right now, it is almost a perfect half and there is a faint glow of red surrounding it, like a halo. I can’t stop looking at it, because it is beautiful. But it won’t be the same tomorrow. The shape will have shifted; the light cast on it will be brighter or duller; the color may be anything from red to green. I won’t know which, and I don’t have control over it.
This is relates to me and to this blog. I have taken quite a long break from the blog (for about two years). Why? Anxiety and depression. They took over my life for a bit and I had to fight to make sense of it, to understand what was happening to me, and to arrive at a place of health. I had to fight for my life.
I’m sure over the course of this blog I will elaborate more on those issues and give some specifics that may be helpful to anyone reading this, but for right now, I want to talk about one part of what depression feels like.
Depression feels like you will never ever feel happy again. It’s more than that even; it feels like you have forgotten what happiness feels like. Joy is an alien concept to you. When I was depressed, I laughed at jokes and I smiled at people, but I never felt happy. My brain and body were programmed to act a certain way, and my sense of humor still functioned, but the low and the grey were always there. I forgot that I had ever been otherwise; that my life had once been different.
The problem with that mindset is of course that it is not true. Depression isn’t forever. Even if it’s for a long time, it’s not the same during that whole time. It will shift and morph and dissipate and reappear. The only thing you do know is actually that it can’t be the same forever. Just like the moon – the one reliable thing about it is that it must change. And it will. Often without you realizing it.
I guess this is a reminder that the bad parts aren’t forever. For whoever needs to hear this, there is a future for you in which things are different. And the feeling of your life being forever awful is a lie that your brain is telling you to keep you down in the dumps. In fact, as I look up now, the moon has already changed appearance from when I first started writing. It is bright white and surrounded by dark skies and a curtain of grey fluff. It shines with the power and vitality of a goddess, illuminating truth and beauty for the night to recognize. And she reminds us that even though she is a reliable staple of the heavens, she is also never the same from one night to another.
Look at the moon and hope, my friends.
Coloring The Void 