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“Normal, Normal, Ordinary, Please.”

Here is a poem I wrote. It’s in an iambic meter. (Mostly pentameter, but the first and third line of every main stanza has an extra syllable.) Hope you guys like it.
An oddity designed to cause disruption,
I’ve always been an object out of place.
I feel too much and say too much; explosion.
That is my pattern and I’m keeping pace.
Again, again and I repeat the words.
It’s “normal, normal, ordinary, please.”
So many times I’ve tried to find my purpose
And hoped that there’s a reason for my strife.
But I suspect an existential surplus:
It’s possible that I’m a waste of life.
 Again, again and I repeat the words.
It’s “normal, normal, ordinary, please.”
But who I am clings on like a disease.
Once more I find myself trapped in my own skin.
Not even I can understand myself.
I’d hoped that someday I would learn to fit in,
But “someday” came and passed; eternal hell.
Again, again and I repeat the words.
It’s “normal, normal, ordinary, please.”
Again, again and I repeat the words,
Until those words are swallowed by the breeze.
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Last First Day

So, today was the first day of my last semester in college. It’s my last first day. Maybe not ever, but for a while.

I expected this occasion to just pass me by in the usual first day whirlwind, but I unexpectedly had a lot of feelings surface last night, in a sudden and violent burst. All of those feelings were fear-based.

Last night, I curled up in the fetal position in my bed because I didn’t want to go to school. My mother wasn’t there, or I would have gone to her and whined out my refusal to attend – because for some reason, I had reverted back to a seven-year-old, with authentic whiny voice and all – which would have annoyed the shit out of her. I didn’t cook. I didn’t clean. I didn’t pack my bag last night or lay out my clothes, as an act of protest (which of course only made me late this morning). Somehow, I thought that if I acted like school wasn’t happening, I could prevent it from being my reality.

The main reason why I felt this way is because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life once this semester ends. I’m supposed to go to medical school. That’s what my family expects from me. And that was my dream too, long ago. But I’m not sure it is anymore. Which I guess is fine, in the grand scheme of things. However, the problem with being “not sure” is that it’s my last semester of undergrad, and everyone else around me has their plans figured out. So now I’m stressed out and I feel like shit.

My best friend is interviewing at top universities for a PhD program. Most of my other friends have job offers from IT companies paying them a starting salary of at least six figures. Many more are going to medical school or dental school. One of my roommates is working at an animal hospital before she starts vet school next fall. Whatever it is, these people know what they’re next move is. And I don’t. Logically, I know it is better for me to continue taking my time to figure out a career that will work well for me instead of jumping into the first interesting-sounding thing and handing some strangers all my money. (The latter is my natural tendency, and while it has given me a lot of fun past hobbies to put on my CV, it isn’t the most advisable way to choose a career.) But emotionally, it’s a tough thing to live out. It makes me wonder if I should just close my eyes, point to a career catalog, and get this over with already. Most of my friends are going to hate their jobs, why can’t I be one of them?

The other thing that made me anxious was the idea of being around other people again. The whole break, I only spent time with family and friends. They were familiar to me, and the number of them was manageable. The thought of suddenly being on a campus with thousands of other human beings just there, existing around me, stressed me the fuck out. I was also terrified that I would meet someone new and then open my mouth and reveal exactly how neurotic and forgetful and obtuse I can be. Or say something in class that was stupid or got misinterpreted as offensive. These fears sound illogical, but I don’t know, man – I was just damn scared. It was as if I had never done this before.

But, in a surprising turn of events, the first day back was actually: NOT THAT BAD! What all my fears had made me forget was how much I just enjoy learning. That’s the whole reason why I’m here – to learn. I love the feeling of losing myself in the discovery of something. I love making connections in my brain; things that feel novel and exciting. I love the feeling of making a new realization about the same old world, and feeling that truth sit in my bones. Feeling how the world is just a little different afterwards. Being someone who learns isn’t just something that fulfils me; it’s a part of who I am. And when I don’t feed that part of myself, or I forget that this is who I am, I tend to shut down in subtle (but noticeably dysfunctional) ways.

I’m so glad that I was able to walk around campus and just be comfortable thinking inside my own head again. This wasn’t the case last semester; I spent so much time thinking outwards, about what other people were doing or thinking, that I didn’t make a very satisfying relationship with my own thoughts. I guess I must have made a lot of progress in therapy because I now feel like I can build a relationship with myself that feels right in my bones. Like something within me is realigning again, and I get to be myself, live for myself, think for myself. I’m not sure how much sense that made, but it’s how I feel and I can’t think of a better way to explain it. It’s like I’m starting to feel at home in my being again, and I could cry at how good it feels. Maybe I should cry – a healthy catharsis never hurt anyone.

Of course, there were still moments throughout the day when I thought of my friends and their jobs, or how strange and fat I looked, or how awkward and weird I can be when I talk. And move. And breathe. And yeah, I felt small and stupid and insignificant in those moments. But they were few and far between. Mostly, I felt relieved that my love for learning was strong and kicking. And I was glad that there was still an entire semester left for me to learn a whole bunch of interesting things. (I almost forgot to tell you that I actually freaked out in the middle of the day about how much I wanted to learn but wouldn’t have the chance to, and I signed up for, like, four new courses. And I decided to audit three more. So . . . we’ll see what happens. If you’re religious, pray for me.)

Basically, I did a hard thing today that ended up being much more enjoyable than I expected, and I learned something about myself in the process. Go figure. (It’s not as if that’s what all of my posts on this blog are about.)

Anyway, that was my day. How was yours? Did any of you have a first day of something recently? Was it scary or fun? Worse of better than expected? Let me know in the comments below!

Love y’all and hope y’all had a fulfilling day!

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I Believe I can Try

Jan (on her relationship with Michael): Why is this so hard?
Cameraman:
Jan: . . . That's what she said.

- The Office

Recently, I’ve been attempting doing difficult things again. It has been a long time since I have voluntarily pushed myself to do something. My whole childhood, my compulsive perfectionism pushed me to exert myself 2000 percent in everything I did – in school and dance and music and even in things that weren’t even hobbies, like friendships and having people like me. I thought it was me who was doing all those things – and it was, in a sense. I had a genuine interest and passion for most of the things that I chose to do. But the part of myself that self-flagellated over every mistake, or worked myself to the bone like a prize racehorse, wasn’t in my control. I didn’t understand that how I was treating myself in the pursuit of the accomplishments that I thought were so important, was only setting me up for failure in the long term.

Now, after a few major mental breakdowns and humbling experiences courtesy of Life, I have learned to be kinder to myself. I understand that patience is, in fact, a virtue, and that the fun is in the journey, not the destination. My happiness and sense of self shouldn’t rest on how well I do something, when that isn’t always in my control. Commitment and diligence – just showing up everyday – is what really matters. And I know this now.

That doesn’t make it any easier to be bad at something, though. Especially if you used to be good at it.

I am practicing dance again and will be performing tomorrow with a group of 3 other girls. They are all in prime shape, and their form is impeccable. I have noticeably less stamina than them, I have stress-gained at least 20 pounds since the beginning of quarantine and my knee issues prevent me from sitting in the aramandi stance as well as them. In fact, my aramandi is quite bad.

It’s hard for me not to slip into my old habit of comparing myself to them and then overworking my body unhealthily to achieve what really can’t be achieved in a day. That’s how I injured my knees in the first place – by not listening to them when they told me to stop overstraining them.

What has really been helpful for me is a mantra that I use almost daily. It consists of just one word: the word “try.” Often, when I wake up feeling overwhelmed, saying “Today, I will try” is what gets me out of bed. If something is difficult and I feel that I want to give up because I cannot get through it, I just say to myself “Why don’t you just try?” Somehow, that is all I need to get me through.

The word “try” is magical because it removes all expectation from you. You’re not being asked to achieve something or do something well and the weight of all those subconscious worries lift. You’re not even asking yourself to get something done in any time constraint. The act of trying then focuses you on the task at hand. You become grounded in the reality of the task, and you begin to get curious and creative – what is the nature of the task? What is required to complete it? Is there an elegant solution you can find? If the solution is not clear, is there someone you can contact that can help you?

Additionally, the word “try” makes your task sound optional. Like “Oh I wasn’t going to do it because it’s not necessary, but why not just try and see what happens?” So when you do complete the task, you feel extra accomplished. You didn’t have to do it, but you did and that makes you awesome. An “above-and-beyond” kind of person.

Next time you’re stuck, try the word “try”. That’s what I’m now doing when it comes to my dancing. I’m just trying my best and seeing what happens. But you don’t have to use this technique for big, serious goals that you want to accomplish. I used this just today in a rather silly situation. I had just chugged two water bottles and I needed to use the loo, but trying to undo my tie-up pants was proving to be difficult. The sweat from the summer heat and my dancing had soaked into the knot and tightened it into a tiny, hard ball and I wasn’t able to untie it. I started to get so frustrated and embarrassed that even though I was messing with the knot, I wasn’t applying myself and making any progress. Just when I was about to give up and hold it till I got home, I told myself “Arch, why don’t you just give it another try?” So I took a deep breath and within a minute, I was able to see where the knot was stuck and what I had to do to unravel it.

It worked! And I had never felt so accomplished for being able to undo my pants.

Next time you get frustrated, don’t get your knickers in a twist (especially if your pants are already in a bunch, like mine were). Just remember to super casually use the word “try”.

Try it. See what happens.

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Practice Makes Better, So Screw The H8ers

“My father always said, ‘If you’re not here to win… get the hell outta Kuwait.'”

– Aubrey Posen

Over the past few days, I’ve been reading back over my posts on this blog. There aren’t many, but there are enough. Enough to make me cringe.

Back when I wrote those things, I was a different person from who I am now. It isn’t that I necessarily disagree with what I wrote, or I wouldn’t stand by it, it’s just that I don’t think I would write about those things the same way anymore. Now, I would try to include more nuance. (I hope.)

Ah, Nuance. The ever-evasive woman of my dreams. The ability to introduce nuance in writing while still being clear and concise is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of practice to get to that level of mastery. I suppose recently I have been noticing that my writing is not quite as eloquent as I wish it to be. Especially on this blog. I have written many academic papers and fictional stories that have a different set of criteria for evaluating their excellence – and maybe I can write well to those criteria. But when it comes to this style of personal narrative, I am beginning to understand that it is much more challenging than it looks.

This is a difficult notion for me to stomach because I have always prided myself on being a good writer. It is something I have put a lot of work into all throughout my K-12 education, and it gave me a lot of pleasure. But the truth is, lately, I haven’t been putting in as much effort into this skill. My school assignments have been more about conveying complex ideas coherently and getting past my own anxiety enough to finish something and turn it in, than about style and flow. And that’s fine. That’s the way it needed to be.

But now that I’m showing interest in improving my writing again, I’m confronted with the gap between my current abilities and the skill level I wish to be at. What I’ve realized is this: it’s much more courageous and noble to show up every day and try than it is to only do something once you’re already good at it.

This revelation was brought on by a dance performance I watched recently. It was the girl’s first solo recital, and she had chosen some really difficult pieces, which she completed and did well. It was obvious that she didn’t have the finesse and artistry of a seasoned professional, though. That might sound like a ridiculously obvious thing to say, because who expects someone to dance like a professional after their first solo performance? The thing is that some kids do have that perfection and professionalism, even in their first performance. What I’ve seen happen each year is that all the other children end up comparing themselves to those one or two people who manage to stand out. The sixteen-year-old version of me who completed her own solo dance recital was crushed by same comparison. I expected myself to be perfect and flawless, especially after spending that much time working on that goal. But in retrospect, I realized that my hard work did show through. I wasn’t perfect, just like this dancer that I saw recently. But I did something difficult! I got up there and completed the dances and just got through something really hard. And as I was watching the girl this past weekend, I realized how much I admired her for being brave enough to do something difficult in front of a group of people, even if she wasn’t perfect at it.

An unkind person may say unkind things about that vulnerable act. But I’m done living my life in fear of what one or two unkind people think of me. It’s time to work on the things that I want to work on, even if I am bad at them. I’m not going to refuse to dance in front of people or refuse to post my reflections on this blog just because they’re not perfect. That’s what the fearful version of me would do. Instead, I’d rather be the person who shows up everyday and tries. I’ll probably make a lot of mistakes, but who cares? The people who care enough to shit on me inherently have bigger problems than me if they are so unhappy that they spend their time fixating on some random person on the internet. Those people deserve my empathy, but not my freedom, self-respect, or peace of mind. So I won’t hand those things over to them or anybody else.

I’ll just do my own thing and eventually, I’ll get better at it! That’s just the way the world works. And in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy myself – along with my freedom, self-respect, and peace of mind.

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Socially Awkward

"I'm definitely on the spectrum of socially awkward."
- Mayim Bialik

Anxious foot-tapping, knee-bouncing

Shaking, faking smiles and polite nods

Nothing to say; Everybody making plans but you don’t care

Nothing to do but write on a napkin in the corner

People notice; hands cold but face getting warmer

                                 *******

New location, loud voices but same impatience

Wishing I was someplace else,

but also

Wishing the group couldn’t function without myself

Wanting to sleep, tired eyes, clothes unkempt

Instead I stay, thinking all these words best left unsaid.

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O’ Magical Moon

“The moon, by her comparative proximity, and the constantly varying appearances produced by her several phases, has always occupied a considerable share of the attention of the inhabitants of the earth. ”

-Jules Verne

Looking at the moon makes me realize that nothing is permanent. The phases of the moon are a constant reminder of this. Right now, it is almost a perfect half and there is a faint glow of red surrounding it, like a halo. I can’t stop looking at it, because it is beautiful. But it won’t be the same tomorrow. The shape will have shifted; the light cast on it will be brighter or duller; the color may be anything from red to green. I won’t know which, and I don’t have control over it.

This is relates to me and to this blog. I have taken quite a long break from the blog (for about two years). Why? Anxiety and depression. They took over my life for a bit and I had to fight to make sense of it, to understand what was happening to me, and to arrive at a place of health. I had to fight for my life.

I’m sure over the course of this blog I will elaborate more on those issues and give some specifics that may be helpful to anyone reading this, but for right now, I want to talk about one part of what depression feels like.

Depression feels like you will never ever feel happy again. It’s more than that even; it feels like you have forgotten what happiness feels like. Joy is an alien concept to you. When I was depressed, I laughed at jokes and I smiled at people, but I never felt happy. My brain and body were programmed to act a certain way, and my sense of humor still functioned, but the low and the grey were always there. I forgot that I had ever been otherwise; that my life had once been different.

The problem with that mindset is of course that it is not true. Depression isn’t forever. Even if it’s for a long time, it’s not the same during that whole time. It will shift and morph and dissipate and reappear. The only thing you do know is actually that it can’t be the same forever. Just like the moon – the one reliable thing about it is that it must change. And it will. Often without you realizing it.

I guess this is a reminder that the bad parts aren’t forever. For whoever needs to hear this, there is a future for you in which things are different. And the feeling of your life being forever awful is a lie that your brain is telling you to keep you down in the dumps. In fact, as I look up now, the moon has already changed appearance from when I first started writing. It is bright white and surrounded by dark skies and a curtain of grey fluff. It shines with the power and vitality of a goddess, illuminating truth and beauty for the night to recognize. And she reminds us that even though she is a reliable staple of the heavens, she is also never the same from one night to another.

Look at the moon and hope, my friends.

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The Justification for Jealousy (there isn’t one)

“‘ But why does Sally Mae get to date Brett? She’s such a bitch! And I have a wayyyyy better butt than her. ”

– Sabrina

Hey guys,

I want to apologize for leaving everyone in the dust. I totally haven’t written in here for a while. I know that no one reads this blog, so what I do in here doesn’t matter to anyone, but it matters to me. I had a couple of posts in the works that I meant to edit and post before school started, but I never did. Now the first semester is almost over, and I haven’t written all semester. This saddens me because this is something I genuinely enjoy doing. However – and I never wanted to be one of those people who say this kind of shit but here we go I guess – “life just got in the way.” (Insert despondent sigh and dramatic shoulder shrug here.)

Anyway, I hope you can forgive me (again, I keep addressing the public as if there is an actual audience here. LOL.) Now that I’m back, I don’t anticipate taking another such long break, and hopefully I stick to that.

So now that that’s over, let’s talk about the actually interesting stuff. Let’s talk about jealousy.

I think jealousy is a seriously problematic emotion that we all really need to watch out for. In my book, it doesn’t get nearly as bad a rap as it should. Part of the reason for that is that jealousy is often painted in a kind of romantic light. When people feel jealous over their romantic partners, it’s seen as adorable and validating. When people get jealous in friendships, it is seen as just a testament of how much that person loves their friend. “Ahh, she’s jealous,” people say. “How adorable.”

Umm, rational counterargument here: jealousy is the worst, most toxic emotion known to mankind!

In case you don’t believe me, let’s examine what I mean. To unpack my claim, first we need to break down what jealousy is. Jealousy is the feeling of envy over what someone else has. If Sabrina is jealous of Sally Mae’s purse, then Sabrina wants what Sally Mae has – the purse. This feeling of wanting what someone else has, often also necessitates the taking away of that something from them. Think about it: why is Sabrina jealous of Sally Mae’s Gucci handbag? If everyone had a Gucci handbag, then Sabrina wouldn’t care as much about Sally Mae’s Gucci in particular. But she does. This phenomenon better translates if we’re talking about people rather than purses. Let’s say Sabrina is jealous of Sally Mae’s boyfriend, Brett. Sabrina wants Brett as her’s and she doesn’t want Sally Mae to have him. That’s what jealousy is.

These attachment patterns that lead to jealousy hits on an even more intrinsic issue – the sentiment of ownership. The whole reason that these two people are able to feel competition and jealousy is because fundamentally, they both believe that Brett is something to be owned, and they are fighting over who gets to own him. Think back – any time you have felt jealous over another person, that feeling was always rooted in a feeling of ownership. And to me, that is gross. Supremely disgusting.

By reducing people to objects to be owned, we take away their humanity. We strip them of their free choice, agency, and their own unique desires and perspectives. We may think that feeling jealous is a testament of our love for a person, but in reality, it’s proof that we don’t understand how the healthy, freeing kind of love works.

The reason I’m writing this is because recently, I’ve felt the tiny stirrings of jealousy. This surprised me because I thought I was way past that. Apparently not, I guess. Now, I’m having to work through those emotions and examine where my feelings of attachment come from (which is just as annoying as it sounds).

I don’t like having jealousy contaminate my mind with its barely contained, poisonous roots. I don’t even like feeling jealous over stupid, simple things like purses or internships, because even though it’s considered normal and “harmless”, I don’t think propagating the idea that I own anything is helpful. The way I see it, I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing – I don’t truly own anything. And perpetuating ownership patterns over anything only limits me and makes my heart bitter. By thinking of the people and things in our environment as capable of being owned, we start shifting into the mindset of needing to maximize our own comforts and desires by owning all that we want. We become these greedy, selfish monsters, incapable of putting others’ needs before ours, and we lose our own grip on our higher selves. We slide back into our baser natures, only thinking of how best to fulfill our own desires, without regard for the fact that other people and things are not ours for the taking. This psychology touches on the rationale behind why some people commit murder – they think that they own others and that their desires are the most important thing in their lives, and they let themselves get carried away with that.

This may seem like a slippery slope type argument. But to me, jealousy is a slippery slope. I can’t fathom why some types of jealousy are okay in our society and others are not. There seems to me to be a double standard, especially in relationships, where feeling jealous over someone flirting with your significant other is cute and acceptable, but feeling jealous to the point of being paranoid and violating your partner’s privacy is not okay, and extremely unacceptable. I don’t understand this sentiment, because the way I see it, it’s just the same emotion, but on a sliding scale of intensity. Why bother monitoring how far you let your jealous tendencies go, when you can eliminate them entirely and not have to worry about them? Additionally, jealousy doesn’t exactly feel good. I mean, for the Sabrinas out there who do feel that burning, coiling jealousy – it certainly isn’t a pleasant experience! So, why keep this draining and harmful emotion around at all? Why do we validate these feelings of jealousy within ourselves and our friends, instead of understanding them as part of the human condition, but refusing to accept them as “normal” and a part of our everyday lives?

This is why I believe that jealousy is the most toxic emotion out there. Jealousy is like the gateway drug of feelings; greed, monstrosity, and murderous thoughts all stem from it (and take over your life till you’re $25,000 in debt and you’re running from your dealer because your mom no longer agrees to cover for you).

In my opinion, jealousy isn’t okay at all. I wrote this because I hope that in reading this, you challenge yourself from here on out to examine every instance of jealousy in your own life. And I encourage you to challenge the notion that jealousy can ever be “acceptable” or “harmless”. Because the way I see things, it can’t be.

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It’s not His fault

“Here is a poem I wrote.”

-Me, 2 minutes before posting this
GETTY Images

Silent and Still,

Time

Is the never-ending being who watches us all.

Marked up by a series of cyclic changes, of birth and death, He remains steady and unceasing.

The violent bursts of tragedy and success can

Color our perception of Him.

 “It’s a sad time for America”

“The time is right for you!”

_____________________________________________________________________________

Consoling each other about the past; hoping for the future

We Call him names:

Loooonnnnngggggg.

Short.

We sometimes paint the picture of a monster.

Large and luminous, stealing from the people; maliciously reveling in their sadness.

But the truth is,

It’s not His fault. It’s bigger than Him.

He is bound, just like us.

Shackled.

Poor Him. Poor Us.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I was born, young and helpless.

Now I am a woman.

Soon, I will be old and I will die.

“What does it all mean?”

I want to ask, but He cannot answer me, for

He does not know.

He is just

Time,

Silent and Still.

-ArchieTheMirchie

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Handling People You Would Rather Slap (As an Adult)

“Oh my god! Do you, like, have a mustache?! And you’re a GIRL??! That’s like sooo gross!!! EWWWW!!!

-The Mean Girl From MiddleSchool

Ok, so recently, I had to deal with an unpleasant situation, and I have some thoughts. Let me paint you a picture.

I help with creating and executing lighting design for shows. I’ve done it enough to where I know what I’m doing. A family friend asked me if I could help them with their function, and I happily accepted.

Because this performance was a big deal for the family, they had asked a bunch of their friends for help (most of who I know, because we all run in the same circles) and so, on the stage rehearsal day, the auditorium was swarmed with people. While I was trying to do my job in the midst of all this chaos, this one particular uncle (“uncle” and “aunty” is what we call our parents’ friends, or people that are our parent’s age, out of respect) decided to talk to me.

He only interacted with me a few times, but the things he said and the way he talked to me make it sound like he knew what he was talking about and I didn’t. He spoke from the perspective of “I’m just trying to make sure that you’re doing your job properly”, and I quickly became very annoyed by that for many reasons. Firstly, he didn’t actually know what he was talking about. He had a small background knowledge about what I was doing, but he was by no means skilled or capable in it. He tried to give me (bad) advice, and engage others around me in a subtle way to gain the room in support. He even went so far as to try to reprimand me. It sounds underwhelming after the fact, but it was actually pretty nasty behavior. I was thoroughly pissed, but for the sake of running a smooth rehearsal, I brushed it off.

What made it tough in that situation, is that he was wasting my time. It was my responsibility to make sure that everything happened as it should, and I had to keep track of everything going on. If I had time, I could play the game of indulging this man and letting him think that he was the best person in the world, but I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with one man’s need to make everything about himself. It’s not like I haven’t encountered this type of personality before, but 1) I was surprised that this particular uncle, who I’ve known for a while, actually was capable of acting this way, and 2) This was actually the first time I’ve had to deal with this attitude without any sort of older adult protecting me at all. In the past, even when I’ve dealt with tricky adults before, it was with the understanding that my parents, or some other authority figure, could handle things if they went too far. But my parents weren’t there, and I was trusted to do this work on my own, so there was no authority figure who could step in if I needed support. I had to handle it, truly on my own.

But I got the short stick of this power dynamic.  If it were another adult my own age, I could have said something to make it clear that I didn’t have the time, and he would have gotten the message clearly and stopped. But because he is much older than me and sees me as a child, I couldn’t be short with him verbally. That would have come across as being disrespectful, and that would have been very bad. He might have made a scene if that had happened.

So what I ended up doing was kind-of-nodding to whatever he said with a short smile and strained expression on my face (I was unsuccessful in hiding it). I’m sure it must have come across as slightly patronizing and rude, but it was all I was able to manage at that time and it made him stop faster than any other course of action I could think of. And upon reflection, that was the best way to handle things. Even my mother said so.

But I didn’t make my decisions from a cool and collected place; I was rather agitated at the time. I was so taken by surprise, that I didn’t know how to act, and that upset me and confused me. Not to mention, I wasn’t completely saint-like and faultless – how he was acting was irritating me and making me angry. Even though I ended up handling the situation okay, on the inside I was a mess while it happened.

This event showed me that when something surprises me in an unpleasant way, I need to calmly assess the situation and act. Being paralyzed with shock and then doubt and then confusion, not to mention the emotions that something may stir in me, is not the way to go. Whenever I find myself in this situation again, I need to take a minute to chill, logically and objectively assess what is going on, and then react accordingly.

But that’s easier said than done.

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Spheres of Influence

“Be vocal about what you truly believe in. Unless what you believe is wrong. In that case, shut up.

-Me, at age 10

Life has changed a lot in the past few years. I remember when the first iPhone came out, and when Instagram and Snapchat began ravaging our world. All sorts of tech-related issues and conundrums have since been born. But there’s one phenomenon in particular that has been stirring around my head for a while now.

I wanted to talk about the role that social media influencers play in selling the products of company sponsors. I first noticed this phenomenon occurring on the YouTube platform. It started out with YouTubers accepting sponsorships to be able to produce video content that required more funding, maybe in terms of expensive camera work, or access to particular locations. Over time, this idea of big companies sponsoring individuals with wide followings grew, and migrated over to the platform where it now predominantly resides – Instagram. These days, it’s so common for us to follow random strangers on the internet because they’re pretty and we want to be them, and this fact makes both the influencers and big companies a shit-ton of money. Influencer-led sales is now so mainstream, we don’t even blink twice when we see it or hear of it. YouTube makeup gurus create eyeshadow palettes with big makeup corporations all the time, people make their living off of modeling popular clothing brands on Instagram, and pretty much any type of product can be sold through a lifestyle blogger; skin care and beauty, food and kitchen, exercise services, genealogy tests – you name it.

The fact that this is our reality makes me highly uneasy. I’m not saying that this is 100% unethical, because there are actually, in my opinion, quite a few influencers that act very responsibly in informing the public of when they are receiving money to be spokespeople for Big Money. What I am saying is that I don’t think many people realize the serious repercussions of this kind of behavior.

Let’s examine this trend from the beginning. Influencer-based marketing actually isn’t new, although now it does seem to have gone on steroids. In the late 20th century, strategies to link celebrities irrevocably to the face of companies were on the rise (InfluencerDB). For example, here is Michael Jackson’s advertisement for Pepsi in 1984. This type of marketing, although essentially similar to what occurs today, used to be way easier to digest, simply because there was less information available. It was easy for consumers to be able to tell how celebrities were associated with companies, and the role they played in attracting consumers to the brand. However, with the explosion of the World Wide Web at the end of the 20th century, and its constant development into the 21st, the way the game is played has changed (Wikipedia). In the Information Age, consumers constantly have too much thrown at them, and it can be exhausting to wade through all the data in order to make an informed purchase. So, the consumers rely on influencers to help.

Influencers have an important role in the consumption process. Many influencers review company products and give their community their feedback, making it helpful for those members to make informed decisions. This system actually works well, because these influencers are often a sort-of expert in their field. They may not be officially educated, but their experience and their content make them knowledgeable enough to have their opinion considered.

Additionally, with the way social media has developed into the beast it is today, the type of influencer that we let inform us has largely changed. Basically, while we still consume based off of promotions by the mainstream celebrities, whose work is broadcasted through traditional media (magazines, TV, sports field, etc.), we now trust social media influencers a heck of a lot more. I believe this is because social media stars are closer to us peasants in a way that traditional celebrities can never be. Their job is to interact with us, create a community with us, and relate to us. We tend to see them as an extension of ourselves – as part of the hoi polloi – as opposed to above us in an untouchable way. In recent years, these people are starting to make an insane amount of money as well, and are starting to enter into that star-like lifestyle that we associate with mainstream celebrities. However, we know where they started off. Most of these influencers didn’t grow up grooming themselves to star in movies or win title championships; they didn’t have to train rigorously to acquire professional skills in order to succeed in life. They grew up fairly normal, like us, used their unique set of talents to play the game of the social media platforms, and made a lot of money. Essentially, we still see these stars as people just like us, and we trust them to influence our consumption.

There are built-in checks to this influencer-based marketing system that protects consumers from being swindled. Influencers are aware that their community is built on trust, and that a loss of trust could end their career. They aren’t going to risk that, so they’ll be very careful about what company they partner with (they’ll make sure that they really believe in that company and its product) and they are going to be very upfront with their followers over how they receive compensation.

This seems fair and it is – the rules and regulations of it all isn’t what bothers me. It’s the underlying psychological manipulation behind them. Let me explain.

In marketing, there is the concept of inspirational vs aspirational marketing. From my understanding, inspirational marketing involves inspiring the consumers to buy the product based off the qualities of the product itself. It’s seen as a short-term strategy because it pulls in consumers only for the time needed to make a purchase. Aspirational marketing is where the product is built up to be an irrevocable part of a lifestyle to which consumers aspire. Not only will that attract consumers who already have that lifestyle, but it also draws in the masses who wish they could live like that. It’s a long-term strategy because people lust after the product for a long time, before being able to obtain what they see as a ticket into their new life.

This lust is called consumer envy. Consumers want to have a certain lifestyle, and attribute the influencer and the product to such a lifestyle. When many of them save up enough money for a good and then make a purchase, they feel like they have made it one step closer to becoming who they want to be. Smarthosts.org describes aspirational marketing as a technique that makes consumers ”identify the . . . [product] as the missing piece of the puzzle . . . [of] the lifestyle they’re striving towards” .

Hmm . . . Okay . . .

Let me just take a second to fully digest that . . . because, WHAT THE HECK???!!!

What is stated so matter-of-factly on an online forum both horrifies and angers me. The underlying strategy of selling things is no longer about creating a good product and trusting consumers to realize the value of that product. Instead, it’s about instilling in consumers a dysmorphic desire for a different life that constantly eats at them. This desire to be someone else, or live someone else’s life can seriously damage people’s mental health, and it is casually inflicted upon the youth, all in the name of making a profit. These companies are fucking around with our psyche and our attitudes towards our life, and social media is the perfect medium for them to use. Countless studies continuously reiterate how social media disconnects us from reality and makes us compare ourselves to others. I have experienced firsthand how unhealthy comparing yourself to other individuals online is, and how detrimental wishing you could escape your own reality is. There are very serious malignant mental phenomena, such as body dysmorphia, anxiety, depression, anorexia and bulimia, and suicidal ideation and self-harm, that are linked very strongly to this kind of aspiration-based comparison that is bred on platforms like Instagram and Snapchat.

Frankly, this is highly irresponsible. No matter how legal and regulated, these companies are contributing to something that is a huge factor in the illnesses of millions of young people. And all for what? To make money? Well, Congratulations. You’ve pushed the new frontier of marketing – people’s sanity.

It’s not like these corporations don’t know what they’re doing either. There are actual business terms for the kind of impact they are having on young minds. They know that they are curating a culture of people who walk around constantly unsatisfied with their life, who are always looking around for the next best thing – the thing that will elevate their status more. [This ties in with the rise of “hype culture”, where in youngsters place increasing value on items and experiences because they are symbols of status. However, the symbols of status become increasingly more arbitrary, and the price of obtaining these symbols climb up higher and higher, all in the name of an elevated status.] The companies that participate in these trends that are rapidly grooming the next generation to see life in the wrong light. These young people (myself included) are being subconsciously conditioned to place value in money, fame, and status, and things – none of which will actually make our lives fulfilling.

I’ve seen this firsthand. I’ve seen models on Instagram wearing certain clothing items, parading around their jacuzzi and limousines and fancy locations, with an innocuous link to the clothing store in the caption. I’ve seen YouTubers paid to go on a beautiful beach vacation and publish vlogs about it so that their audience links that company with that kind of luxurious travel experience. Even people who are not major stars are approached by smaller companies, because their following holds a sway in their community, and so companies see that partnership as valuable. (This actually happened to one of my friends recently on Instagram.)

Additionally, this business model is highly beneficial for companies. Working with influencers through social media platforms is a lot cheaper than traditional broadcast media (because just 30 seconds of a TV ad can cost tens of thousands of dollars). In addition, influencers have huge followings (often bigger ones than traditional stars). These followings are amenable to considering the input of the influencer and can be reached more directly than other audiences. Also, like with what happened with my friend, people with influence at any scale can be approached, and all sorts of niche communities can be reached.

At some level, I understand all of this. Influencers just wanna benefit their community, while continuing to finance the content that their following loves. And there are some influencers that I feel have balanced all these conflicting interests of our digital age in a skillful manner, nurturing an online community where their followers can flourish in safety. However, there are some people who just amplify consumer envy, maybe even knowingly; who actively contribute in the creation of mental poison for the masses. And that is deplorable.

So, I know my anger and disgust can be harsh and off-putting, but this is how I feel, and it has affected how I live my life. I am no longer capable of trusting big companies. I think twice before deciding to buy something I’ve seen over social media. I certainly never buy something just because someone else has it and they’re someone I want to be. In fact, I’m working on not wanting to be other people in general, because that has caused me a lot of sorrow in my life.

There’s a reason why I wrote this. This whole marketing monster is not visible to many consumers, and that, in my humble opinion, is an injustice. People should know how our consumer psychology is being used against us. I’m not sure if influencers are aware of how selling themselves for money is to the detriment of so many people – I’d like to think they aren’t – but I hope they make more aware choices in the future. And as for Big Money – I have nothing to say. I expected this from them.