Jan (on her relationship with Michael): Why is this so hard? Cameraman: Jan: . . . That's what she said. - The Office
Recently, I’ve been attempting doing difficult things again. It has been a long time since I have voluntarily pushed myself to do something. My whole childhood, my compulsive perfectionism pushed me to exert myself 2000 percent in everything I did – in school and dance and music and even in things that weren’t even hobbies, like friendships and having people like me. I thought it was me who was doing all those things – and it was, in a sense. I had a genuine interest and passion for most of the things that I chose to do. But the part of myself that self-flagellated over every mistake, or worked myself to the bone like a prize racehorse, wasn’t in my control. I didn’t understand that how I was treating myself in the pursuit of the accomplishments that I thought were so important, was only setting me up for failure in the long term.
Now, after a few major mental breakdowns and humbling experiences courtesy of Life, I have learned to be kinder to myself. I understand that patience is, in fact, a virtue, and that the fun is in the journey, not the destination. My happiness and sense of self shouldn’t rest on how well I do something, when that isn’t always in my control. Commitment and diligence – just showing up everyday – is what really matters. And I know this now.
That doesn’t make it any easier to be bad at something, though. Especially if you used to be good at it.
I am practicing dance again and will be performing tomorrow with a group of 3 other girls. They are all in prime shape, and their form is impeccable. I have noticeably less stamina than them, I have stress-gained at least 20 pounds since the beginning of quarantine and my knee issues prevent me from sitting in the aramandi stance as well as them. In fact, my aramandi is quite bad.
It’s hard for me not to slip into my old habit of comparing myself to them and then overworking my body unhealthily to achieve what really can’t be achieved in a day. That’s how I injured my knees in the first place – by not listening to them when they told me to stop overstraining them.
What has really been helpful for me is a mantra that I use almost daily. It consists of just one word: the word “try.” Often, when I wake up feeling overwhelmed, saying “Today, I will try” is what gets me out of bed. If something is difficult and I feel that I want to give up because I cannot get through it, I just say to myself “Why don’t you just try?” Somehow, that is all I need to get me through.
The word “try” is magical because it removes all expectation from you. You’re not being asked to achieve something or do something well and the weight of all those subconscious worries lift. You’re not even asking yourself to get something done in any time constraint. The act of trying then focuses you on the task at hand. You become grounded in the reality of the task, and you begin to get curious and creative – what is the nature of the task? What is required to complete it? Is there an elegant solution you can find? If the solution is not clear, is there someone you can contact that can help you?
Additionally, the word “try” makes your task sound optional. Like “Oh I wasn’t going to do it because it’s not necessary, but why not just try and see what happens?” So when you do complete the task, you feel extra accomplished. You didn’t have to do it, but you did and that makes you awesome. An “above-and-beyond” kind of person.
Next time you’re stuck, try the word “try”. That’s what I’m now doing when it comes to my dancing. I’m just trying my best and seeing what happens. But you don’t have to use this technique for big, serious goals that you want to accomplish. I used this just today in a rather silly situation. I had just chugged two water bottles and I needed to use the loo, but trying to undo my tie-up pants was proving to be difficult. The sweat from the summer heat and my dancing had soaked into the knot and tightened it into a tiny, hard ball and I wasn’t able to untie it. I started to get so frustrated and embarrassed that even though I was messing with the knot, I wasn’t applying myself and making any progress. Just when I was about to give up and hold it till I got home, I told myself “Arch, why don’t you just give it another try?” So I took a deep breath and within a minute, I was able to see where the knot was stuck and what I had to do to unravel it.
It worked! And I had never felt so accomplished for being able to undo my pants.
Next time you get frustrated, don’t get your knickers in a twist (especially if your pants are already in a bunch, like mine were). Just remember to super casually use the word “try”.
Try it. See what happens.
Coloring The Void 